Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How to pose a newborn

Some of you aksed me if I could do a tut about posing a newborn, so here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So like babys are adorbs on there own, we no that, but you know, sometimes they just look fat and constipated.  So we have to pose them to make them look cute and tiny and presh.  First, you always want their faces to obscured by something.  A hand, part of the blanket, an enorm bow, something.  This will show peeps that the baby is alive.  I know that sounds kinda sadsies, but with the amount of desaturation that we'll be applying to the skin, they'll need some indication that the baby is still breathing.  More about that l8r.

Another tip is to put them in immediate danger.  That is what the reel artists do because there so good they don't need to worry about common sense of anything.  There's a piccie of the baby sitting up, wrapped up like a sack of potatos and this takes a SUPER pro to do because you have to balance the baby.  Nobody can be touching the baby, and babies will like cry over anything, so make sure the balance is just rite or the baby will flop over.  They aren't weebles you know.

I saw one pic of a baby on a mantle.  BEST. PIC. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The fauxtog said it was okay bcuz the daddy was only like 3 steps away, but serious, it's not like babies roll, or mantles brake or anything so it's alrite.  The mantle was only 5 feet off the ground, so the baby only would a have died a little bit if it fell, but remember ART FIRST!!!!!!!!!!  OR else ur not a reel artist.

Hanging babies upside down, placing them on the edge of cliffs, curbs, on top of skiddish animals (horses, elephants), balancing them on the top of flag poles, all of these things are super artistic and will make all the h8rs supes jelly.

Now for post processing (or editing if you're not a pro like me).  All you have to do is desaturate the reds and yellows for that perfect "peek into the morgue" look, and ur totes good to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If the bubs is wearing an enorm bow or tutu or fluffy butt thingy, ALWAYS selective color these things.  ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or if the blanket is especcialy colorful, that too.

Um, that's all I can think of for now, I'm totes tired becuz the hubbymuffinlovermonkeydoodlepie and I have been trying so hard to get preggers so I can be part of the in crowd, I'm just ezosted.  You can totes tell bcuz I'm not using as much punctuation thingies and my post isn't even in cute colors :(((((((((((  My life is supes dificult, you have no idea.  I wont even tell you about what happend to the escalade last week (the detailer DIDNT CLEAN THE MUD ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOOR FRAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! like for reals, I'm not even kidding.)

Love and cutie pumpkins,


  1. You totes left out getting a piccie looking up the nose. Sheesh.

  2. LOL They aren't weebles...that song is going to totes be stuck in my head now :)

  3. Please don't charge for you photography.

  4. Sorry about the Escalade. Bummers! Great post on posing newborns. :)

    1. You gotta be fucking kidding! -______-
      Tsk tsk tsk.
      As pathetic as this post n that bitch

  5. I lovr ur style. damn ur good, Jane. You TOTES inspire me!

  6. Your blog is fantastic, from the number you posted it sounds like you're from the Northshore. That's where I grew up, so that makes this just a bit more awesome. Best blog I've ever seen.

  7. I don't live in Northshore, I live in Los Angeles. And I don't have a phone, so I-dee-kay what number ur talkin about. LOS ANGLES REPRESENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  8. Sigh, I can only hope one day to totes be az good as you!

  9. One question, is this website a joke? Just asking because if it is not well I would strongly advise you to spend some time and money on a photography course you can definitely use it

  10. This isn't a joke?? Some photography and grammar classes will definitely help you.. a lot.. I sincerely hope you aren't charging people.. I just can't believe this isn't a joke page..??!

  11. How dumb are people? seriously? this is the best fauxtog satire on the net. please don't take everything so seriously.

    oh and I totes agree about the up the nose thing...gotta capture sweet baby nostrils!

  12. Its not a joke? Really this makes me sick to my stomach!

  13. Woah! This cannot be real! Somebody has obviously never heard of spell check!

  14. Hi Jane
    Do you do seminars?
    That would be awesome, like 100 million hotdogs awesome!

  15. Why in God's name would you tell anyone to make a baby look like it is basically dead? I mean really, people pay for pictures of their newborn babies, not a baby that just died. You do not know how to pose babies, because everything you said is dangerous and can kill them, art does not by any means come before a child's life. If a baby died because of a shot you wanted to capture I can promise you will loose your fancy cars and expensive handbags. Parents are not willing to give up their child's life for art.

    You do not just balance the baby and hope for the best. When properly and safely shooting an infant, at least one, perferably both, parents should be right by the babies side. You are encouraging child endangerment and I'm not sure if you realize this or not, but that is illegal. Child endangerment is illegal. Now excuse me for jumping around a bit, but in the beginning of your post you said to always obscure their face. I just have one question. Why would someone pay for pictures of children to not see their face?

    Maybe it's only me and I am just insane, but when I have pictures of my babies taken, I don't want them to look dead, endangered for your art, and I would LOVE to see their faces. So maybe I'm just the black sheep and think it could be possible that it is just crazy for someone to want to see thier child's face, but I do.

    I would just like to say that I hope you don't charge people for your work and to please STOP writing tutorials.

  16. Oh. My. Gosh. I'm always astounded when people fail to see the satire in your posts. Seriously, keep posting so I can keep reading those sort of comments. It makes me giggle.

  17. Wow. There are people who actually think this is real. Sad.

  18. Lmfao you stupid bitch! You a dumb hoe for posting this garbage! You should die! I hope you never have a baby! God I feel so sorry for you and your hubby dubby whatever the fuck...
    I hope this isn't serious, really. This isn't even funny -_______-
    You shameful trash. Nobody should ever let you even LOOK at their baby.
    You disgust me bitch.


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