Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My hair looks awesome

I can't think of anything fauxtog related to rite about, so I just wanted you all to know that my hair looks totes presh today.  Like for reals.

Oh, and idk what everyone is getting all madsies about with the Tods&Tiaras mom dressing up her daughter like Pretty Woman.  She was a cute little prostitot!!!!!  They were probs just jelly because their kids are uggos.  I know some moms like that, but serious, it's not my fault youre kid fell down the ugly tree and hit every ugly branch on the way down to uglyville.

Anyways, my hair.  Totes cute.

E> Jane

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

How to pose a newborn

Some of you aksed me if I could do a tut about posing a newborn, so here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So like babys are adorbs on there own, we no that, but you know, sometimes they just look fat and constipated.  So we have to pose them to make them look cute and tiny and presh.  First, you always want their faces to obscured by something.  A hand, part of the blanket, an enorm bow, something.  This will show peeps that the baby is alive.  I know that sounds kinda sadsies, but with the amount of desaturation that we'll be applying to the skin, they'll need some indication that the baby is still breathing.  More about that l8r.

Another tip is to put them in immediate danger.  That is what the reel artists do because there so good they don't need to worry about common sense of anything.  There's a piccie of the baby sitting up, wrapped up like a sack of potatos and this takes a SUPER pro to do because you have to balance the baby.  Nobody can be touching the baby, and babies will like cry over anything, so make sure the balance is just rite or the baby will flop over.  They aren't weebles you know.

I saw one pic of a baby on a mantle.  BEST. PIC. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The fauxtog said it was okay bcuz the daddy was only like 3 steps away, but serious, it's not like babies roll, or mantles brake or anything so it's alrite.  The mantle was only 5 feet off the ground, so the baby only would a have died a little bit if it fell, but remember ART FIRST!!!!!!!!!!  OR else ur not a reel artist.

Hanging babies upside down, placing them on the edge of cliffs, curbs, on top of skiddish animals (horses, elephants), balancing them on the top of flag poles, all of these things are super artistic and will make all the h8rs supes jelly.

Now for post processing (or editing if you're not a pro like me).  All you have to do is desaturate the reds and yellows for that perfect "peek into the morgue" look, and ur totes good to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If the bubs is wearing an enorm bow or tutu or fluffy butt thingy, ALWAYS selective color these things.  ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Or if the blanket is especcialy colorful, that too.

Um, that's all I can think of for now, I'm totes tired becuz the hubbymuffinlovermonkeydoodlepie and I have been trying so hard to get preggers so I can be part of the in crowd, I'm just ezosted.  You can totes tell bcuz I'm not using as much punctuation thingies and my post isn't even in cute colors :(((((((((((  My life is supes dificult, you have no idea.  I wont even tell you about what happend to the escalade last week (the detailer DIDNT CLEAN THE MUD ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOOR FRAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! like for reals, I'm not even kidding.)

Love and cutie pumpkins,
E> JM

Monday, July 25, 2011

Why does nobody want me anymore?

So like the reason I havent been posting is because I went from SUPES busy to NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wtheck is wrong??????????????  Is it the repression?????????  And because of it, peeps are poor now??????????? (not me of course, I just got 4 new gucci bags to match my new teeny weenie bakinis for the summer) but I for reals don't know why people aren't coming to me for piccies anymore????????????

Everyones prob in the bahamas or fiji for the summer vaycay.  That's probs it.

E> J

Thursday, July 7, 2011

WTHECKADOODLES?!?!?!?!?!?!

Oooooooooookay!!!!!!!!! I'm back!!!!!!!!! I know you missed me so much because I got your emails!!!!!!!!

I was wixed away on a totes amazeness vaycay by my hubbermuffincuddler and we went to the Bahamas. It was FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We spent a while there and I got so tanned and I was SOOOOOOO glad I had appointment with my waxer the day before.

Anyways, let me tell you what happened. It will make you furrious like it did to me!!!!!!!! I was on groupon and there was a okay deal with a photographer to get family piccies.  I snagged one, it was $25 for the session and 2 8x10 sheets.  Not bad I guess but whatevs.  So anyways, we had our piccies done and they were so cute!!!!!!!!!!!  Then, we went to pick out more and guess what.

NO, GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY WERE $60 EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIKE, OHEMGEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started crying and pretended it was like I was so happy with how beautiful they were.  But I was really crying because they were ripping me off like ripper offers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The guy said it was all in the groupon coupon, all his prices and stuff, but for reals, who even reads that stuff anyways???????????  He even said his price list is online, and linked on the groupon offer, but like, do I look like I read?????????? Um, no!!!!!!!!!!! I have a life you know??????????????  

So like anyways I had to pay almost as much as I paid for my matching Coach handbag and clutch set, JUST FOR PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I went online and totes RUINED his rep because he's such a ripper offer.  I told everyone what he did to me and they told me what I should do:  they said to scan the pix and print my own.  I totes am.  I know they have a scanner at Walgreens and THEY only charge like fifteen cents for their piccies.  

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!  DO YOU KNOW HARD IT IS TO GO THREW THIS??????????????  

I am the one that gave him my business through groupon.
I am the one that let him use my beautiful, flawless face and my perfect children.  They only broke 2 of his light poles and kicked him a few times, but other than that they were ANGLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont deserve this kind of treetment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm so selfless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, before I start telling you about what a perfect and totes amazing person I am, I have to warn you. Blogger is like totally having a bad week or something and its STILL not letting me change the size or color of my pretty words, so you'll have to deal with this boaring black, okay???????????? I'm sorry, I hope they fix it soon *frownyface*

I feel so warm and loveydoodles inside. I just saved my friend a FORCHIN!!!!!!!!!!! Let me tell you the story about me being selfless and awesome.........

My friend J was going to get her X-mas card piccies done by this super duper famous photog in our town because J just had a baby and she wanted really good piccies. She was having the consultation early this morning so I told her I'd come to make sure the photog is totes on the up && up and not a scammer or anything. So we hopped in my Pearl Escalade and got our venti largo mocha choca latte extra foam skim caramel whip macchiatoccinos in the drive thru Starbys and went to the consultation. She ordered the "all you can click" package which had the CD of the whole shoot and she was paying (total with all the "taxes" and "fees" and whatever)

$2300.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So after Js consultation I got the photogs card and called her later. Obvi I told the lady "No way, hosay, because I'm a pro photog too." and I canceled Js appointment. I told the photog about my new 5d and my Photoshop C5 and I told her I'd give my friend the full CD of a whole entire photo shoot for $5 for her (since she's one of my besties for life). The scammer "pro" kept saying "are you sure?" because I guess she's booked until next summer or something but whatever, I dont know why peeps would even want her that badly if she charges so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So thats the story of me helping people and being so selfless and charitable like I am. I mean J will probably be able afford to go touch up her roots now that she doesn't have to pay all that money for piccies (and she totes for real needs a root touch up too, I mean who lets their roots even show-- EEW. Her baby is a few days old now, enough lazying around, kwim?????????)

I can't wait to tell J about the charitable gift I'm going to give her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E> J

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I think you guys forgott about me *frownyface*

I like posted and nobody commented. Not won person. I'm like "what's wrong with me???????" I went to Fiji for a week or too and now nobody loves me???????? Are you all just jellie of my adorbz tan?????? Or my new 5d that I got???????

WHAT IS IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where did all the peeps that love me go?????????? Are you all vacationing in the Carribean?????????? WHAT??????????????

Oh and now Blogger isn't letting me make my text all pretty so I like can't even make it in the middle or big and pink to show just how sirius I am.

My life.

Is over.